Musings and Mournings

I often find myself going back and forth with my emotions as a new mother.  Can I even call myself a "new mother" anymore?  I feel like it's been a lifetime since my little one was born.  Jude grows so quickly.  I find myself mourning and rejoicing at the same time.  How can two contradicting emotions be felt at the same time over the same thing?

It's so easy to get lost in the moment and be angry or sad or whatever over the lost sleep, the piling responsibilities and the mounting failures as a mother.  And then, I'm reminded that he IS growing so fast.  No longer a newborn.  Learning new things daily.  I see other moms with toddlers, elementary schoolers and high schoolers and can't imagine it for myself.  But it is a glimpse into our future.  That's so intimidating and heartbreaking to me.

And then God gives me gentle reminders of what really is to come.  This past Sunday, our sermon was about heaven.  Our pastor was telling us what he believes to be true of heaven and that our relationships will continue once the new heaven and the new earth are made whole.  And I believe that too.  I never really got to "meet" my dad.  And I believe with my whole heart that I will be able to be in community with him in heaven.  And knowing that, then I know that Jude and I will be in relationship also in heaven.

So instead of constantly being sad and mourning the fact that this time with him before he grows up is ever fleeting.  I can find comfort and hope in the thought that our heavenly Father has already made that part of us whole.  He has connected me to this little boy, this amazing, precious, crazy adorable boy, for the rest of eternity.  Amazing.

Truth

Yikes, we're coming up on a month of no blog postings...   I swear I have every intention of writing on a weekly basis...  But you know, here I am, in my head again with these thoughts of "no one cares about what you have to say," "you're wasting your time," "if you write a blog post you're just being needy and that makes you a burden to others."  Ugh.  (Working on it.)

I'm going to share this on facebook and exclude certain people from seeing me post it to protect myself.  But I'm tired of skirting the truth.  Because that's what it is.  TRUTH.  I will respect some dear close people in my life and only post things that I feel are safe to post at this time, however.

My family is....  A lot of things.  To sum my family up in one word (or three)...  Unhealthy.  Manipulative.  Abusive.

My family has long been these things.  But until December, I let them hurt me.  Constantly.  I was a punching bag to a family who had no real care or love for me. They like to think they care and they love to guilt trip me with extravagant shows of "affection" only to hold it over my head and use it to manipulate me later.  And honestly, I took the free things and the gifts in exchange for the abuse.

I'm not going to do that anymore.  I'm getting out.  I'm done.  Cutting people out, especially family, hurts.  It hurts like nothing I've felt before.  And I've been hurt.  Big time, for a long time, repeatedly.  But ever since I made that decision, Satan has done nothing but use it against me and beat me down until I am a sullen, depressed... mess.

The truth of it is, I made the right choice.  The choice that I know God wanted me to make.  But now I am feeling quite alone and discouraged.  Cutting someone from your life doesn't feel "right".  Even if I KNOW it is the right choice... It doesn't FEEL right.  It feels uncaring, unloving...  And that doesn't seem to be what God would REALLY want...  Right?

I go back and forth.  Life is hard.  Relationships are hard.  I'm thankful that I have healthy relationships with people who really do love me for me.  And whose goal is not to 'get' something from me, but rather, just be in relationship with me.  Thank you for being my friend.  Thank you for supporting my dreams.  You, through God, give me the strength to pursue His will for me.