Guilt

Guilt is something I've struggled with for a long time.  And I assume you have too.  It's recently come to the surface in my life and for once I can look it right in the face and KNOW that it's not okay.  Because you know, sometimes it's okay to feel guilty, right?

Deciding to stay at home was a very hard decision.  Not because I don't think my son is worth it, but because I'm walking away from a lot.  I love my job...  It's a challenge.  I love challenges.  But there were also many, many days that I left work last year just wanting to quit.  Not knowing if I was making a difference, feeling defeated.  But during the 2 weeks I was working before having Jude, I saw the payoff.  My previous 7th graders were now 8th graders and I could see the difference.  And they really loved me.  They would come on a daily basis to visit with me or just say "hello".  My classroom was way out of the way, so for them to come visit took effort.  That meant so much to me.  I miss those kids, I really, really do.

But staying at home is very important to me.  It's important for my son.  (I don't need to debate that with you.)  I understand that there are plenty of working mommy's out there and I really commend them or you if that's you.  I can't imagine the discipline, juggling and sometimes heartache that comes with it.  But I assume you are also doing what you have deemed "best" for your family.  For my family, me being at home is what is "best".

Now, here is the guilt.  I am feeling GUILTY for feeling HAPPY.  What?  That's so stupid!  My maternity substitute quit yesterday.  My classroom is a mess.  The art projects are really bad.  The students have vandalized my room (with spray paint!!!)  And now a dear friend of mine is having to take over my classroom and it is really overwhelming him.  I feel guilty because it feels like my responsibility to take care of the mess now.  (Even though I planned out 13 weeks of lessons, scripted them, made powerpoints, organized the supplies, entered all the projects into gradebook and basically made it the easiest subbing position to step into...)  But now we're at the end of the 13 weeks of lessons and my friend is now responsible for planning.

And now I feel like I should have to go back and fix the mess.  But here's the thing, that's not true!  And the only thing motivating me is GUILT.  That stupid nagging feeling in the back of my head that is always negative self-talking.  I wish I could kill it!

I just want to let you all know that it is OKAY to be happy!  God wants us to be happy!  And maybe we need a different word...  Joyful.  God wants us to be filled with joy!  Of course this comes with being in His will, I believe.

And I believe He has really shown me that it is His will for me to stay at home with my son.  And oh my goodness, I can't express the JOY that has filled my life while being able to take care of my son, keep my house clean, plan meals, coupon, go to MOPS and cloth diaper!  But that stupid voice is always nagging me saying that I shouldn't be happy.  I should feel drained, I should feel overwhelmed and if I don't then I need to find something that will make me feel that way because that's how "everyone" else is living and that's how I should live too.  Well, I know that's a lie.

Sometimes guilt isn't always that easy to distinguish.  But one thing I have found to be true of God is that He doesn't use guilt.  He does allow the Holy Spirit to convict us, but from my experience conviction is a very different feeling than guilt.  Guilt is...  evil.  It is not to be a part in our Christian life.  Guilt can go to H-E double hockey sticks!  I'm going to be proactive this week to not allow guilt to motivate my thoughts or actions.  I'm going to allow myself to be joyful in God's will for me and I hope you will too.